This Feeling

Sometimes single parenting is tough. Sometimes it's really difficult. Sometimes you have to make really hard decisions. Sometimes you get to share in amazing moments alone and can just bask in the joy. I got one of those moments tonight. It made my heart burst with joy so much that words really cannot describe it.

I've been a single parent for about 6.5 years. It hasn't always been easy. In fact a lot of times it has stunk. I'm always amazed when a married mother's husband is away for work for a period of time and she states she now knows what it's like to be a single mom. Really? You still have someone you can talk to about what your kid is doing, how your day was. You still have your husband's paycheck you can depend on. You have NO idea what it's like. It's day in, day out on your own. No one else to vent to, no one else's money to depend on. It's tough. Being a single parent (man or woman) is one of the hardest jobs there ever will be. On the opposite hand it is probably one of the most rewarding.

Whether or not you're co-parenting (like I do) or you're truly a 100% single parent (kudos to you, you're a rockstar), when your kid does something awesome, it's a damn good feeling, pardon my language, but it really is. I was lucky enough to have a moment like that tonight.

It's no secret that I want my kids to grow up knowing that they are blessed. I want to expose them to as much as I can - but only as they're ready. Tonight I showed them the trailer to the premiere of a movie, Man Up and Go that I'm going to see this weekend. Click here to see the trailer. I explained what some of the things are in it, and I saw my daughter's eyes widen in oblivion and her face soften and the tears form in the corners of her eyes. My kids know that Africa burned something in my heart that will always be there. They know it changed me, therefore it changed us as a family.

A little later over dinner Kassidy said they need to make their Christmas list. I asked her what she wanted and she rattled off a couple things, then said, "You know, I really don't expect anything. I'll be happy with whatever I get. What if we ask Santa to give the gifts to other kids who don't have as much?" At this Kayden said, "Yeah, we could ask him to give them to Africa. Do you think when you go back you could take them some food and water? Because they die because they don't have clean water." Any of you who know me probably know I wanted to burst out in tears right then. I just smiled and said sure, I bet we could ask him to do that.

I've never said a word to the kids about that, because I want them to believe in Santa for as long as possible. I want them to have that childhood innocence because I believe kids should have that. I don't know where they got these ideas. I encourage them to always give to others who don't have as much. But I have never done an Angel Tree because how would I explain that Santa doesn't visit those houses? So I wasn't quite sure where it came from. What I do know is that I'm freaking as proud as a parent can be right now, and I know that this is due to their dad, stepmom and myself. I don't know everything that goes on at their dad's house and I don't need to know. What I do know is that they're teaching them to love, and they're teaching them God's love. I know we're not perfect and we sure don't always do things right, but somewhere along the way we've taught them something right and God's given them both a tender heart. And I'm a proud proud mama....

So if you're a parent out there who is frustrated, at your wit's end, or wondering if a break will ever come, it's out there. Because believe me, back in the day, when things were rough there were absolutely days I never thought I could make it as a parent and days I never envisioned feeling like this. And it happened. This... this feeling.

A New Perspective - Africa 2012

Many of you have inquired about my recent trip to Africa, and I’ve mainly answered all of you with, “I’m not ready to talk about it.” I realize that may sound silly, but I’m so appreciative of the patience and space you all have allowed me. It’s really a very difficult thing to put into words – more difficult than I ever imagined, especially as much as I like to talk!

The truth is, I’m not ready to talk about it. Writing is somewhat easier, so that’s why I'm choosing to blog.  Some of you are going to know what I’m talking about. Some of you will pretend to know, but my hope is that every single one of you will try to understand and see through my eyes.

All my life I’ve had a passion for Africa. I never knew why, but now I do. This trip completely broke me – of all the worldly material things we all have, of my views of this society, but mainly of my perspective. To try to describe what I saw, heard, felt, and smelled so you can understand my brokenness is a near impossible feat. Each day while there, I didn’t think my heart could break anymore, and each day it was. I was angry, joyful, sad, reflective. We mainly worked with widows and orphans through several different ministries. We spent time loving them, hugging them, telling them they were beautiful, fellowshipping with them, and worshiping with them. I can assure that you have never really been prayed for until you’ve been prayed over by a roomful of Ethiopian women. We couldn’t understand a word they said, but we felt exactly what they were praying. It was incredibly powerful and overwhelmingly humbling.

These people have nothing, and when I say nothing, I mean it. Living in shacks, or mud huts, they sleep on the ground and they eat what they can find. Their clothes and shoes (if they have them) are out of size, torn, filthy, and faded. They go hungry. They drink water that could kill them. They watch their children suffer and die from something as simple as diarrhea. They use “squatty potties”(holes in the ground) for bathrooms. They have HIV. They have diseases that could be easily treated if they had access to medical care. In spite of all of this, they LOVE. And they love big, never complaining. They are the most joyful and happy people I have ever met in my life. For having so little in regards to material things, they have so much in their hearts. They are hospitable, thankful, grateful. They would literally give you the shirt off their back, and be honored to do so. They tell you how much they love you, how much they appreciate you just being there, that you are beautiful. They love you for WHO you are, not what you are. You all know how girlie I am, and I didn’t use a hairbrush once or put on makeup. You think they noticed or criticized? Not a chance.

I feel as though my heart is still there, and it’s been a constant struggle since I’ve returned to go back to my “normal” life. I never want to forget the emotion I feel now. The heartache, joy, and humbling. Holding the hand of a leper, waking up to thousands of mosquitos, hugging and kissing a child on the forehead that has HIV, working with a widowed mother with nothing to feed her children, seeing a 2 month old baby asleep on the ground at home alone because her mother is trying to work in order to care for her, sleeping under a mosquito net – these are all things I never thought I would do or see. But I have. And I love the way it has made me ache. I can’t wait to go back (hopefully next spring or summer), and would love for any/all of you to join me if you want your life to be changed.

I have posted about half of my pictures on Facebook. If you don’t have Facebook, I have all of my pictures on my iPad and you are more than welcome to look at them. While pictures cannot convey the reality of it, they can help. Below is a picture of Karine, a little girl that I met and fell in love with and am now sponsoring so she can have 2 meals a day, medical care, go to school, and more. Please let me know if you would be interested in a sponsorship opportunity. Karine is a very sad child, who kept crying, and who wouldn't look me in the eye. The only smile I was able to get out of her in the hours I spent with her in my arms was when she was given a balloon. I cannot wait to get her full profile and future updates.

Over the next couple of weeks, I promise to blog about all of my adventures, in more detail accompanied by pictures but until then, I hope you all can maybe understand a little of what is going on in my heart right now. I’m still processing exactly where I want to focus my efforts, but I think it will be on a clean water project in Ethiopia, where 250,000 children will die this year from a water-borne illness (completely preventable). Here’s a picture of the water the people in a village we visited are drinking.

Thank you again for your unwavering support, some days you all are the only fuel underneath my fire. I’ll close with a few of my favorite pictures – the children of Chuko Weyama chasing after us as we drove into their remote village (only via Land Cruiser) in Ethiopia, at Royal Hope Academy in Uganda, and Shashamene School in Ethiopia. Remember – we’re all called to give, and whether that be working across the world or in your own backyard, I hope you do it, and do it with an open heart and mind.