Monday, January 24, 2011

I'm Pregnant!

Two simple words that change your life in an absolute instant. Goes a little something like this for me.

I remember the first time I found out I had a little bundle of joy in the works. There I was, sitting on my toilet in our little ghetto-ized one bedroom apartment. I had something like five or six pregnancy tests all around me, the contents of the boxes strewn about the bathroom floor. All were positive. I was a mess. A crying, hysterical mess. Pink lines, plus signs, what the heck?! We had only been married a few months! I was only 19! This wasn't supposed to happen! They all said, oh, you've been on the pill for years, a couple of weeks will be okay. Yeah, well, they were wrong. I remember in my panic we drove to a clinic for an additional test, only to later figure out it was a clinic that counseled women who were not wanting to continue with their pregnancy. My intention was to just have a professional tell me it was real. It was just very unexpected for me, that's all. 40 weeks, at least that many gallons of ice cream, approximately 100 packages of gummi bears, and a very healthy, pregnant, chubby 176-lb Asian marshmallow looking Erin later, along came a little angel, Kassidy Noelle. Just two days after I turned 20, there she was. The sweetest little baby, with a head full of pitch black hair. 7 lbs, 11 ounces of nothing but pure love. My entire world was placed in my arms. I never knew that love could feel like that. So simple. So bundled. So her. She gave me love, crazy love. From that moment on, I could finally say I knew what unconditional love was.

The second time it wasn't nearly as charming. It came at a much more volatile time in my life and I knew I was pregnant, so it only took one little test. The pregnancy was tough with a sit-down talk in the depressing, messy office of my obstetrician looking at me with a furrowed brow. I still remember him looking down at me (I remain haunted by feeling like he was perched on his desk) telling me I would have to decide if I would want to terminate my pregnancy. Terminate. Really? Dude... I'm a little country girl from Nebraska. Don't use those big words with me! He had his medical reasons for telling me this. There was a very high likelihood that there were going to be very serious medical issues with my little one this time around and that he/she would have permanent problems. Wow. Talk about heartbreak. Not the news you want to hear when you're sitting there, alone, and you know your marriage is unraveling fast. Continual ultrasounds, tests, attorney visits, tears, a separation, a move, going into labor alone, being in the hospital alone. Not the way you dream what should be the happiest moments of your life should be. But, a happy, healthy little Kayden James was born, and my life would be forever changed, and only for the better. Unconditional love, round 2.

Seems like people all around me are pregnant. So, I can't help but wonder what my third time around will be like.

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