+1 Makes 4

So the cat has pretty much clawed its way out of the bag. Kassidy, Kayden and I are expanding our family. We're not getting a fish (pretty sure it wouldn't live too long), a hamster, a kitten, or a puppy. Nope, we're getting... a new human. That's right, a new human being to come live with us. To be in our home. To be a part of our family

WHAT?!?!?! I've gotten that reaction from some people. It's the 'deer-in-the-headlights-are-you-out-of-your-freaking-mind' look. Or the 'you-don't-know-what-you're-getting-into' look. Here's the deal. I'm not out of my mind. I know what I'm getting into to an extent (there's a lot of factors that I'll deal with as they come).

I love kids. I'd have an entire herd of them if I could. I look at my life now and think, "Wow, this sure isn't where I thought I'd be at 29." Honestly, are we ever where we thought we'd be? This isn't what I thought my life would look like. It's not even close. In fact, it couldn't be anymore opposite. But you know what? It couldn't be any better. I feel like I am living in a fairy tale. I have friends I can call any time of the day. I have coworkers I can call family. I have a solid support system. Most of all, I have 2 awesome kids. I have a daughter who is beautiful both inside and out. She makes my heart absolutely burst with pride. Sometimes I watch her interact and see her empathy and love for others and it makes me tear up. That girl is going to do great things. I have a son who has made my perspective so different and forced me to look at life better. Through a series of unexpected turns and events he changed my life. He's so incredibly intuitive to me and my feelings that I know he will make an incredible husband and father. He loves big and he loves the small things big. He pays attention to detail and above all, he loves his mama. These two, they own me.

I never thought I'd have two kids at 22. I never thought I'd be divorced at 22. I never thought I'd be faced with the challenges I was those first few years after the divorce. I never thought I'd watch children die like I have. I never thought I'd see failed relationships with those close to me like I have. But never say never, right? I also never thought I'd go to Africa and have my heart absolutely broken. I never thought that I would literally be down on my knees, tears streaming down my face, crying for God to break me of my worldly ways. I never thought I could feel the way I did. I never thought that at 29, as a single mom, I would be starting the adoption process to add to my family.

I face the stereotypical single mom challenges. However, I'm lucky that Kassidy and Kayden have an awesome dad and stepmom who love them like crazy, so I get 50% of the time to myself. However, there's dating challenges, financial challenges, and just general single mom challenges. I can't do many things my single friends do. Some of them get it, some of them don't. When my new child comes home, I'll be able to do even less. And while it's going to be a huge adjustment for me since I love to be social, I'm okay with it. Am I worried about the money? I've spent the last 10 years of my life worried about the money. This endeavor will probably cost approximately $35,000, give or take $5,000 or so. I'm not worried about one single penny. You know why? Because this is my path.

Most, actually all of the people who know me know I'm not a huge religion person. I'm not going to sit here and quote Bible verses and tell you God speaks to me audibly. I've always been spiritual but it's no secret I've had my struggles with church. However, as I've stepped into this path of adoption, I've never felt more calm or sure in a decision. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is God's path for my family and I, therefore I have faith that He'll provide whatever we may need along the way. As Christians, we're called to love and to take care of orphans and widows. How we're called to do so is different for everyone. This is my calling.

So yeah, I'm adopting. Will it affect my dating life? Probably. Do I care? Not one single bit. Will it be hard financially? Maybe. Do I care? Nope. Will it be a hard process? Yep. Will it stop me? Watch me.

+1 Makes 4.

To My Sweet Child: Our Adoption Journey, vol. 1

Today I filled out a very preliminary application to adoption. I'm not entirely sure how this road will look or what all is in store as I begin in this journey, but I know that I'm excited. I'm starting a journal to give to my child who is waiting for me somewhere halfway around the world. It's private, and I won't share it all here, but I do want to document this journey, so I've decided to share the first entry. Here we go.

To my sweet child,

Today, I took the first steps to bringing you home to your forever family. It was kind of surreal that I was actually doing it, but I'm not scared at all. I'm so excited to bring you home. To love on you. To keep you safe. To hold you in my arms so you know that you are loved. To be your mama.

I'm not sure where you are right now. Maybe you're not even born. What I do know is that my love for you is already as big as the world, to infinity and back. I know that every night I'll say to you what I say to your big sister Kassidy and big brother Kayden, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." It's a book you'll become familiar with once you come home.

I wonder what you'll like to eat, if you will be athletic or like to read. Maybe you'll have your mama's sweet tooth or maybe you'll love vegetables. Maybe you'll be tall, maybe you'll be short. Maybe you'll be shy, or perhaps you'll be the life of the party wherever you go. Whoever you are, know this. I will always love you, no matter what. No love is greater than that of a mother to her child. You may not come from my tummy, but I love you just the same.

I could go on and on but I just want you to know. Every child deserves a home, and your home is right here with me, Kassidy and Kayden. I promise to love you. I promise to be your forever family. I promise to show you God's love. I promise to be your mommy.

I can't wait for you to come home.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama