Single Mom Dating

Everybody knows dating's tough. Or at least that seems to be the general consensus amongst my friends. When do I call? What do I say? What if she talks about marriage on the first date? What if he's only after sex? When is it okay to have the DTR? Can I touch her there? What if he touches that? The questions are endless. So, imagine how much more difficult it can be when you throw in the whole "I've got kids."

I've been a single parent for 6 years. For awhile, I didn't do much dating, then I did a lot of dating, and now I'm back to not doing it again. I've learned a few things, and I've definitely watched a lot of people date and seen their reactions.

Here's 10 things I've learned, some single mom related, some not.

1. It has the potential to suck.
     a. But no matter how much it sucks, we always do it again, even when we swear we won't.
     b. Because honestly? I don't think humans were made to be alone forever. Just for awhile. Sometimes long whiles.

2. You get your feelings hurt.
     a. You WILL recover. She/he may not come back, but someone else will be better. Don't give up.
     b. If they call you fat or ugly, that's not hurting your feelings, that's plain mean. Don't put up with it.  
     c. When you're hurting someone, remember how much it sucks when you get hurt. So be gentle, and don't burn any bridges.
     d. If you never get your feelings hurt, you are not human.

3. Women are way too emotional.
     a. Come on girls, drop it. Don't over analyze every single thing. Sometimes, just let things be. Let it go.
     b. However, we wouldn't be women if we weren't emotional.
     c. Men are emotional - just in their own way. Like, after their favorite team loses. Girls, zip it when this happens.
     d. Men, sometimes women just need you to listen. And act like you care. And hold us. This probably means we don't need your commentary about how we overreacted or how we should just get over it.
     e. Insane women, please do not give us normal or even not typical women a bad name.
     f. Don't let sex ruin your relationship. Don't lead anyone on. Don't use anyone. Not cool.

4. When you drop the "I have two kids," men tend to get skiddish.
     a. I think this is slightly unfair. I mean, it doesn't change who am I at my core.
     b. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I want to marry you. It seems men seem to think this automatically means I'm looking for something serious. It doesn't. It just means... I have two kids.
     c. In fact, it doesn't even mean I want to ever speak to you again.
     d. My kids are cool, but no, you do not get to meet them.
     e. Yes, I think it's something that should be told upfront, no matter the intent of the relationship. Just being honest.

5. You can't change people.
     a. You shouldn't want to change people.
     b. Let people be themselves.
     c. You shouldn't change who you are for someone else.

6. My kids have to come first.
     a. It's not that I don't care about you. It's that I care about them more. You'll understand someday when you have children.
     b. Please don't make me choose. That's wrong.    
     c. Don't ask me to pay a babysitter to go with you to something unnecessary. If it's your granny's 90th birthday party, okay. If it's to sit around and look at each other, no.

7.  My kids already have a dad. They don't need another one.
     a. He is their daddy. You will not be. There are boundaries here.
     b. If you get to meet my children, consider it a privilege, not a right.

8. I do not need you. (as a general rule, see 8f)
     a. I am a successful, independent woman. The last thing I need is you.
     b. I pay my bills, I enjoy my life. Don't think that you are doing me any favors. I am not a charity case just because I am a single mom.
     c. I have an incredible circle of close friends. I do need them.
     e. I am a grown-ass woman.
     f. Sometimes, I may need your support. This is different than needing you.

9. If you're in my life, it's because I want you there.
     a. Don't flatter yourself. I got this.
     b. See 8c. Those friends? They will always be in my life. Deal with it.
     c. I have a career, I have hobbies, and I have friends. Let me do mine, you do yours. We don't need to be around each other all the time - what fun is that?

10. It is supposed to be fun!
     a. Sure, it's never going to be perfect, but if it's never fun, it isn't worth it. Life is too short.
     b. If it's constant dread, it's not right. Do yourself both a favor, and get out.

Freeing My Mind

Interesting...


These questions have no right or wrong answers. Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.


1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? This is hard, since there are so many ages in front of myself which I have yet to be. But I'd honestly have to say 28, because I'm pretty happy where I am right now.


2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Failing.


3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Because we are too wrapped up in our selfish lives to realize that we're doing it.


4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I sure as hell hope not.


5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Hurt. I hate to see people hurting.


6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Helping others and saving the world.


7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? A little of both. I absolutely love my job and where I'm at with life. However, if I had my way I would be doing non profit work full time.


8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I wouldn't be working a normal job, I can say that.


9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I didn't control a whole lot of it until the last 6 years. Now I feel like I control a good portion of it.


10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. I'm going to screw up, make mistakes, and regret. But hopefully I will always do the right thing.


11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of
yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I politely give my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions be it distasteful and unjustified or praising. That's the beauty of our country - being able to have said opinions and voicing them without, hopefully fear of repercussion.


12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Love fully.


13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? It would depend on the law. Break the speed limit to get someone dying to the hospital? Absolutely. Kill someone? Absolutely not.


14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? hmmm....


15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? I feel as though I need to choose my words carefully here. I know that I give of myself differently than many, but that in no way makes me a better person than the next. It's just different.


16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because we are all different, thank goodness. It's what makes us unique.


17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Travel the world. Easy - finances, kids, time off from work.


18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Every day.


19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I haven't been to enough places to answer this with certainty, but I would say somewhere with beautiful scenery.


20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No, because it doesn't.


21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joy always fills the heart.


22. Why are you, you? I suppose because it's who I've become.


23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I can only hope.


24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch.

25. What are you most grateful for? Being alive.



26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose the old ones; new ones can be made.


27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Sure.


28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? I have two major fears in life - one is losing a child, which has not come true, the other is spending my life alone, which has no come true either.


29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? sure.


30. Does it really matter now? It does in the sense that it made me a stronger, better, more cognizant person.


31. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Fishing with my grandad. Greatest man on earth right there.


32. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? If not now, then when? When I am doing something I love.


33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Everything and nothing.


34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? No, but I sure hope that happens before I die.


35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? I wish it didn't. I wish people were more tolerant. I'm Christian, but I don't pass any ill will or judgment on someone who wants to worship someone or something else. Just as I have a right to be a Christian, the next person has a right to be as they choose.


36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? I truly believe all evil has a shred of goodness somewhere deep inside. Sometimes it's just never revealed.


37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Nope.


38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work any day of the week.


39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Only 99.


40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? A couple of years ago. And I've grown so much because of it.


41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? As many as I could.


42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Never in a million years.


43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive is simply breathing. Truly living is being passionate. It's feeling emotion. Loving. Empathizing. Living. Laughing. Dancing.


44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? The moment you know it's right, do it.


45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Society has taught us it isn't okay to mess up.


46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? So many things.


47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Today, I'm congested.


48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my children.


49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Highly unlikely.


50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?  I make my own decisions.

Philly, Dublin, and 26.2 Miles

Last summer, my friend Jim Asker came up with the idea for Team in Training to do an international event, with Dublin, Ireland to be the destination. I excitedly agreed to be a part of this inaugural event for the Tennessee chapter, and what an adventure it ended up being. Here's a recap of the trip.

A little group photo while we were still smiling. This group of people helped raise over $80,000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. All of us are involved for different reasons, but all in it for the ultimate goal - a cure. Jim and Paige on the right were our two season mentors.

Paige and I in Philly

Exhausted and stuck in Philly!

Our flight was delayed, then we were delayed in Philadelphia for a day, which we were less than thrilled about, but Paige and I decided to make the best of it. We decided to go out and about in the city, which I ended up loving. The art and history in the city are amazing, and I can't wait to go back and explore more when I have more time.

We arrived in Dublin on Saturday morning, exhausted, smelly, and most generally grumpy. Things started to become a little more real after we visited the race Expo to pick up our gear. It was my first trip out of the country, so I was pretty much enthralled with everything. One of the most interesting things I noticed about Dublin was how all the doors seemed to be different colors. It makes me want a purple door, you know, when I grow up! We found the start and finish lines, which were thankfully very close to our hotel. It was all coming together - I was about to do my first full marathon. I hadn't trained properly and was nervous as heck, but I knew I had to do it. Anxiety, stress, and worry were all setting in. Who wants to do 26.2 miles for fun? This coming from a girl 2 years prior wanted nothing to do with any type of exercise at all. Quite the reversal.

On Monday, race day was upon us. It was windy and cloudy but then again I wouldn't have expected anything else in Dublin. I can see why those people drink so much - the weather is beyond depressing! Someone handed me a poncho early in the day and for some reason I decided that it was worth holding onto. That gut feeling proved to be correct - as it started pouring later on in the race. The race started at 9, which was awesome. It gave us time to eat, talk out some last minute jitters, and take a shot of vodka before starting. (I kid, I kid, it was whiskey). My teammates and I headed out for a race we had been preparing for for months.

Things started hurting around Mile 2 - that's when I knew it was going to be a long day. Thankfully, sweet Paige stayed with me throughout the entire race. By Mile 8, my hip had pretty much had it and I was beginning to think I couldn't do it. By the time I got to Mile 13, I was ready to call it quits and hang out in the Sag Wagon for a few hours. Much to my disappointment, the Sag Wagon never showed up. We kept plugging along, and at Mile 15 the torrential downpour started. That was fun. By mile 18 I was really beginning to question my sanity in addition to my stupidity. I hadn't trained more than 14 miles, it probably was pretty stupid to take on 26.2 but my stubbornness set in somewhere around Mile 20. I hit the infamous "wall" at Mile 22 and broke down crying. Paige was there to comfort me and encourage me but never have I wanted to just sit down in a puddle and splash and cry as much as I did in that moment. She pushed me along and kept me talking. Around Mile 24, it was game over. I started sobbing where Paige kindly told me that if I didn't stop crying she was going to kick my face. Okay, maybe she didn't but it sure felt like she was being mean to me telling me to stop crying and all. I mean, it hurt... I was cold, it was dark, and dammit I wanted to see that finish line! I'm not sure how she kept me going and out of the puddles, but she did and soon we could hear the finish. However for some reason, we could never see it... then we discovered we were going the WRONG direction. By this time, any expletive ever known to man was coming out of my mouth and I was ready to punch someone who looked at me wrong. Crossing the finish line is honestly a little fuzzy - almost like I was drunk exhaustion. I remember stumbling back to my hotel thinking, Wow, I'm a marathoner! I got to the hotel bar and immediately ordered a drink! It was great seeing my teammates comforting faces and getting congratulatory hugs.

I still look back and the whole thing feels unreal. I can't believe I actually finished. I can't believe I did it in Dublin, Ireland. What an amazing trip with a great group of people. To complete such a huge feat in my life with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society made all the pain worth it. I swore that I'd never do another full, but now I have one picked out, and I fully intend on training properly for this one. I'm excited. Thanks to everyone who supported me emotionally, prayerfully, and by donating to the cause!



Wouldn't be a trip to Dublin
without some Guinness!



This is what I got to come home to!



To My Sweet Doodlebug...

To my sweet, sweet Doodlebug,

It's hard to believe that it's been 8 years ago that I was incredibly blessed by your birth. September 22, 2003 was one of the two best days of my life. Parts of it I remember as though it were yesterday, other parts are blurred by the new memories. I remember when I first found out you were in my tummy - I was so surprised. The first time I heard your heartbeat, I fell madly in love with you. The first time I saw your picture, it felt as though I was on top of the world. When I found out you were a girl, I immediately bought all things pink. I felt you moving inside of me and had such an incredible sense of love and joy fill my life.

I remember when you first came out, you swallowed a little too much fluid and you had to be put on oxygen. It upset me not to hold you immediately, but after 45 minutes, a sweet little bundle of you was placed in my arms. My life would never be the same. Little did I know it, but you would save me. My beautiful 7 lb, 11 oz. daughter, Kassidy Noelle.

You were the sweetest baby. Slept through the night early and never gave me any trouble. Your sweet personality was evident from the beginning; at the same time you had a passion for life mingled with that childhood innocence. However, you've always been so mature beyond your years.

In these past 8 years, I have put you through a lot of things that I hope someday you can understand. You have handled every situation with grace and finesse; probably better than many adults I know. You taught me how to love, how to show compassion, and how to forgive. I love you even more (if that's possible) for this.

I could not be any more proud of you. I wish you knew how much I loved you, that there was a way on this earth to show you with something you could see or physically feel. When I look at you, I see an absolutely, unbelievably incredible daughter. I am beyond blessed to have you in my life. You have shown me so much and there is no doubt in my mind you will continue to do so. You're my sweet princess that has a beautiful soul, you're kind to others, and I wish I had more of your soft spirit. Never change who you are, because that person is amazing.

Please know that everything I have done I have always wanted what was best for you. I know I haven't been perfect, and I'm going to make more mistakes, but I promise you that nothing has or ever will be your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. Thank you for being you. You have saved me so many times over the years.

I love you most - more than anything. Happy birthday sweet girl.

Mama

I Believe...

This weekend, someone I am acquainted with through work (and now through Twitter and Facebook as well) was tweeting about what he believed in. I am stealing his idea (Thanks, Chris Thomas!) and blogging about what I believe in. I'll add to it as I think about it.

I Believe: in sleeping in on the weekends.
I Believe: you should work hard for what you get, even if it seemingly gets you nowhere.
I Believe: in God. That being said,
I Believe: we all have a right to believe in whatever we want. It isn't my place to judge.
I Believe: that love knows no boundaries.
I Believe: that a good cupcake can brighten anyone's day.
I Believe: in laughing until it hurts.
I Believe: that men should open doors for everyone, especially women.
I Believe: that a glass of wine and a girl friend can make a bad day good.
I Believe: you can never tell your kids you love them too much.
I Believe: really bad things happen to really great people; and it sucks.
I Believe: in forgiveness.
I Believe: God had me in mind the day Adam Levine was put on this earth.
I Believe: it is healthy to be able to laugh at yourself.
I Believe: that a day of watching sports is a day well spent.
I Believe: in yes ma'am and no sir.
I Believe: that my daughter is the sweetest girl on the face of this planet.
I Believe: that bad exists so good can shine through.
I Believe: in reading a good book.
I Believe: sometimes you just need to cry.
I Believe: women are their own worst critic.
I Believe: in dancing half naked in my bedroom.
I Believe: food is the way to my heart.
I Believe: someday, I'll find some unsuspecting man to marry me.
I Believe: I'm a freaking princess.
I Believe: fears of frogs are completely rational.
I Believe: that when you help someone, you help yourself.
I Believe: that dolphins are one of the world's most beautiful creatures.
I Believe: that guns are fun when used correctly.
I Believe: that taking risks is healthy.
I Believe: in singing at the top of my lungs in my car.
I Believe: that Nashville is one of our nation's greatest cities.
I Believe: that when you tell a girl you'll call, you should call.
I Believe: that running can change your life.
I Believe: in taking lots of pictures.
I Believe: in hand-written notes.
I Believe: in treating others the way I want to be treated.
I Believe: in love. hope. passion. empathy. faith. motivation. wisdom.
I Believe: fishing is a patient man's sport.
I Believe: you should take every opportunity to travel.
I Believe: you can always go home.
I Believe: in the power of friendship.
I Believe: in broken hearts.
I Believe: everything happens for a reason.
I Believe: in the appreciation of the quiet.
I Believe: sometimes you just have to HTFU.

Taking a Moment....

We live in a fast paced world. And by fast paced, I mean technological. And by technological, I mean we're all connected to our cell phones. We may be texting, Facebooking, Tweeting, and gasp! maybe even making a phone call, but it seems like we're all caught up in our busy insane lives.

I think all of us are busy. We all claim to be anyway. We don't have time for this or that because we're "busy". We all have jobs. We all have lives. Some of us have kids, others choose dogs. Some of us spend insane amounts of time training for our next endurance event (not me), some choose to volunteer their time. Others choose to travel, some go to school, some spend a lot of time in church. Or, maybe you just play in the dirt. Whatever it is you do, it keeps you busy. And occupied - and chances are, you forget about taking time to appreciate the small things.

So, here's a reminder of some things you should quite possibly take time to appreciate.

• Toothpaste - Seriously, whoever invented this needs a pat on the back. I don't think there's more of an explanation necessary. We all appreciate this one.
• Smiling - We all know it takes more muscles to frown than smile. As cheesy as it may sound, you may change someone's mood. Of course, that can go one of two ways - they're happier, or they're irritated at your perkiness and want to smack you. It's a risk you've gotta take.
• Family - Your family may be "real" family. They may be a group of friends. It could be people at work. Or maybe you were raised by a pack of wild dingos. Whatever it may be, appreciate them. Make sure they know it too. You never know when you may need someone to bail you out of jail.
• Purses - While men may despise the ever humiliating task of holding a woman's purse, women can hardly function without them. In fact, I am almost sure that most women's life's story could be written from the contents of their purse.
• Toilet Paper - Not just for the obvious. I mean, it's got so many other uses. Something to blow your nose, decorations on someone's front yard, hours of entertainment for your cat (or your toddler), or a gift. You know, the inappropriate type you give at a bachelorette party.
• Annoying People - They're a constant reminder of how you do NOT want to act. That person who always has to "one-up" you? The one who picks their nose? Or maybe it's the one who could use a little Beano in their life. Whatever they do to annoy you, you don't want to be them.
• DVR - How on earth did we ever live without the ability to pause and play live TV, or watch a show from three weeks ago? Oh the days of VHS and if you didn't see it the first time, you missed it.
• Asian people - Really? Did you think I was going to go through this entire post without some sort of Asian dig? You have to love us. We're tanner than you, our eyes are squintier than yours, chances are we're smarter, can kung-fu like none other, and we all know we're awesome drivers. And, you wouldn't have all those technological devices either. Admit it - couldn't do without us.
• Cupcakes - A world without cupcakes is like a year without rain. I would wither up and die, just like a plant would without water. Such a shame.
• Underwear - For those weirdos out there who choose to NEVER wear any underpants, just skip over this one. But seriously, y'all know you love you some undies.
• Cute Boys (And Cute Girls) - Everyone loves some eye candy. Justin Timberlake, anyone?
• Pedicures - Is this vain? Totally. Can I imagine life without them? Sure, but I don't want to. And you don't want to see my feet without them.

• Acting like a kid - You all know you still love it. Clearly I love it too - check out the picture.
• YouTube - Even my 7 year old daughter loves this site. How else can something go viral and not actually force you to be in the bed for a day? Besides, we all love watching people make fools of themselves.
• Dirt - This is especially good for those of you who spend your time playing in the dirt, but for the rest of us, if you think about it, dirt plays a pretty big role in things we eat. And us humans love to eat.
• Possums - God's little reminder that we could always be uglier.
• Thanksgiving - A shame we have to designate a holiday to remind us to be thankful, but one is better than none.
• Cell Phone Cameras - For capturing those moments that you can use as blackmail against your friends later. Or, when you want to take a picture discreetly of someone to post on Facebook later to make fun of them.
• Facebook - -verb: to make fun of, or to stalk someone.
• Endings - like this blog.

I'm a Twinkie - I Think?

According to Urban Dictionary, and thanks to my Ragnar Relay running friends, I learned what I really am, a Twinkie.

The definition reads as follows: An Asian person who is either adopted or living in a white community. Hence, yellow on the outside and white on the inside.

When I heard this, I immediately thought, oh my goodness, this is me! Growing up in a pretty much all white community, my world has remained pretty much all white. I think I know two or three Asian people, but I'm pretty confident they're Twinkies too. However, today I was wondering just how much of a true Twinkie I was, so I thought I'd just do a little test. Following are a few Asian stereotypes and whether or not I fit them. Please know that I am not racist. This is all in good fun. I love everyone.

• Asians are good at math: This one is a toss up. I'm an Accountant, I should probably say yes. The thing is, I'm pretty good at what I do, but I suck at geometry. So, I'm going to say tie. Asian - 1. Twinkie - 1
• Asians are overachievers: Dangit. I can't even argue here. Asian - 2. Twinkie - 1.
• Asians are quiet: Anyone who really knows me knows that this is NOT true. Asian - 2. Twinkie - 2.
• Asians are hardworking: I'd like to think so. Asian - 3. Twinkie - 2.
• All Asians know kung-fu: Hell yes. Don't piss me off. Asian - 4. Twinkie - 2.
• Asians have heavy accents: Yoo wan fry ry wiff tha hapee famlee? Negative. My mom says I've got a little southern twang if anything at all. Asian - 4. Twinkie - 3.
• Asian females have bold bangs: Not since the fourth grade. Asian - 4. Twinkie - 4.
• Asians can sew: HUH? You want me to do what? No. Asian - 4. Twinkie - 5.
• Asians are horrible drivers: Have y'all seen my car? I'm a double threat. Woman AND Asian. Asian - 5. Twinkie - 5.
• Asians are technologically savvy: My 7 year old daughter knows more about electronics than I do. This would be a big fat no. Asian - 5. Twinkie - 6.
• Asian is synonymous with Chinese: PUH-LEASE. For the 4,987th time, I am not CHINESE! I am a twinkie. Asian - 5. Twinkie - 7.
• I eat dog: Lately, I don't eat much at all. Asian - 5. Twinkie - 8.
• Asians all have flat faces and squinty eyes: As much as I'd like to say I don't fit this one, there's not one of us that can deny it. It's our trademark. Asian - 6. Twinkie - 8.
• Asians are athletically inferior: Has anyone ever seen me try to be athletic? Yep. Asian - 7. Twinkie - 8.
• Asian women wear open toed shoes year round: Thank you Jessica. Asian - 8. Twinkie - 8.
• Asian women are submissive: I'm about as submissive as a pissed off bulldog. Asian - 8. Twinkie - 9.
• Asian women are obssessed with Hello Kitty: Not since I was 4. Asian - 8. Twinkie - 10.

I'm sure there's some I'm missing, so if you think of some, please let me know so I can add them. I'm open to suggestions. As it is now, I am still a Twinkie. Yay for Twinkies.