In April of 2010, my friend Janet, at the age of 14, lost her battle to cancer. I haven't been ready until now to do this, but this is closure for me, but more importantly, for her memory. This is what she needs to know, so here's a letter to Janet.
Dear Janet,
It's been almost 3 months since you left here and went somewhere better. I still think about you constantly, and selfishly wish that you were still here. I miss seeing your name pop up on my phone and reading your texts; miss hearing your sweet voice.
I remember the first day I met you. You couldn't get the lamp to turn on, so we sat in the near dark filling out your paperwork. I knew from the moment I met you that you were special. You knew all your families birthdays by heart, and your wish was something that involved the whole family. When we ended up having to change for health reasons, you told me you still wanted to get things for your family. What you wanted for yourself was so little. I was blown away by how, at age 14, you were so giving. At an age when most girls are selfish, you were the exact opposite.
I remember telling you that you couldn't go on your shopping spree when you wanted because of health reasons. The chemo was making you so sick. You were so disappointed but still smiled. Do you remember getting pedicures together? You picked out the brightest purple you could find. I was horrified but I told you that you could pick! So I picked the brightest pink I could find for you. You laughed at how it tickled, we ate chocolate together and talked about life. You told me about your diagnosis. About how the chemo made you sick. About how you hated how it hurt your family. You didn't wear a hat that night and I was so proud of you, but I would get so angry when people would stare at you. But not you... you just acted as though they didn't exist. Later that night we went to dinner and you tried to teach me spanish, and I failed miserably. We laughed so hard and for awhile it was like there was no cancer.
But in reality, there was and soon you got really sick. Your last few weeks here were so painful. It broke my heart to see you in so much pain yet you always had a smile for me every time I saw you, along with a sweet compliment about my hair, or how pretty I looked. I'm not even that sweet when I do feel good.
Do you remember that night at your house, when you laid in my lap? I so wanted to just wrap you up and take you away from it all, where there wasn't any more pain. When you looked up at me and told me you couldn't do it anymore I knew I had to let you go. I knew you were ready. I knew that you were going to a better place. Later that night you asked me to take you to the hospital. Then you were crying out in pain...yet still managed to tell me that I looked like a model. It was that night that it really hit me. You were going to die. I wanted to know why. Why would God let that happen to you? Sweet, innocent you. Your whole family welcomed me with loving arms, why did any of you deserve this? Now I know. It was so the rest of the world could see your love and strength. So we could strive to be a little more like you.
Towards the end it was more and more difficult for you to speak, or to understand you. Too much medicine, too much pain, I'm not sure. I will never forget the last words you spoke to me. That night, you'd talked to me earlier, amazed I'd "come all the way here just to see you". I have to be honest. I didn't want to come see you that night. I knew I'd cry when I left and my emotions were worn out. But a great friend asked if I would feel bad if I didn't go, and I said yes. So, there was my answer. Down to Vanderbilt I went, and I am so glad that I did. I spent an hour with you that night, just holding your hand and letting you babble. After the nurse came in and gave you more medicine, you wanted to move to the chair. You started to doze off so I told your dad I would go. I hugged you the best I could, kissed your forehead, and told you I loved you, just like I did every time I would go. As I was walking away, when I thought you were fast asleep, you whispered, "I love you..." to me. It was the first time you'd told me, and the last words you ever said to me. That was on Friday. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday you were unable to speak at all but would still squeeze my hand and try to smile every time I saw you. On Tuesday your family let me know it was time to come and say goodbye. I am grateful to them for allowing me that opportunity. On April 6, 2010, at 10:30 p.m. you went to your final resting place.
I miss you, but you taught me so much in those short months I had the honor of knowing you. You taught me unfailing love. You showed me endless courage and incredible strength. You had an amazing faith in God. You were such a beautiful person, both inside and outside. I will always strive to be more like you. More compassionate. More giving. More accepting of people around me.
I know you are up in heaven where there's no cancer. I can't wait to see you again.
I love you so much,
Erin
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Erin's 101 in 1001
So, my friend Melanie told me recently about her 101 in 1001 list; we were headed to the Nashville Symphony and that just happened to be on her list. I researched it, thought it was a great idea, and so here it is, my 101 in 1001. Thanks Melanie for the inspiration! Italicized and purple mean completed.
Because I should….
1. Take a yoga class
2. Send a hand written just because card to someone (October 2011)
3. Influence someone else to write a Day Zero list (T, July 2010)
4. Surprise my parents with a visit (August 2011)
5. Try 10 new foods (kalamata olives, June 2010; chargrilled oysters August 2010; smoked salmon, smoked trout, couscous, grapefruit, September 2010; fig, goat cheese, date, brussel sprouts, October 2010)
6. See my roommate from college, Hillary
7. Go back to school for my undergrad (February 2011 - ongoing...)
8. Get a library card (August 2011)
Because I can…….
9. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
10. Answer the 50 questions that "free your mind" (Jan 2012)
11. Host a dinner party
12. Go put flowers on Janet’s grave
13. See another Cirque du Soleil performance ("O" Las Vegas, September 2010; "Alegria" Nashville, June 2011)
14. See 5 concerts (CMA Music Fest 2010; Carrie Underwood, Oct 2010; TSO, Dec 2010; NKOTBSB, June 2011; Britney Spears, July 2011)
15. Read 10 new books recommended to me by other people (1. The Noticer, Andy Andrews, July 2010, MC; 2. Gazelles, Baby Steps, & 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me, July 2011, JM; 3. The Shack, August 2011, MC; 4. Two Kisses for Maddy, August 2011, CC; 5. The Help, Oct 2011, KC; 6. Heaven is For Real, Jan. 2012, JD; 7. Why Men Marry Bitches, Jan. 2012, MB; 8. The Secret Meeting Place, Jan. 2012, MC; 9. The Go Giver, May 2012, MC, 10. 50 Shades of Grey, June 2012, MD)
16. Take a swing dance class
17. Have a good ‘ol fashioned slumber party (September 2011)
18. Buy something from Etsy (Jan 2012)
19. Learn to play Pachelbel’s Canon in D in its entirety
20. Spend an entire day baking nothing but sweets... and then take them to the office.
21. Host a board game night
22. Attend the midnight premiere of a movie
23. Learn how to make an omelet
24. Buy flowers for myself
25. Make peanut butter fudge
Because I’m a hopeless romantic….
26. Kiss in the rain
27. Have a candlelight dinner
28. Fall in love
29. Spend an afternoon at the park reading to someone special
30. See the sunrise and sunset together
31. Take a midnight stroll on the beach
Because I’ve never…..
32. Go skydiving (Waverly, TN April 2012)
33. Go white water rafting (Ocoee River, August 2011)
34. Go scuba diving
35. Play laser tag (January, 2012)
36. Ride in a hot air balloon
37. Sing karaoke
38. Go ice skating (December, 2012)
39. Go snow skiing
40. Go to a drive in movie
41. See a Broadway show
42. Get a facial (November, 2011)
43. Go to a haunted house
44. Shoot a hand gun (January, 2012)
45. Go paintballing (March 2012)
46. Go deep sea fishing
47. See a professional baseball game
48. See a TN Vols football game at Neyland Stadium (TN vs. Buffalo, October 2011)
49. See a ballet
Because Dave Ramsey would be proud……
50. Pay off all debt
51. Give $500+ to a charity I am passionate about (Team in Training, 2011)
52. Start a 401k (January, 2012)
53. Try the envelope system
54. Save $20 for every task I complete
Because Nashville is a great city….
55. Try 5 Nashville based restaurants (1. Taco Mamacita, Nov. 2010; 2. Nero's Grill, Jan. 2011, 3. Loveless Cafe, Feb. 2011; 4. Fish & Co., July 2011; 5. Mack & Kate's, Aug. 2011; Mafiaoza's, Dec 2011)
56. Eat @ Loveless Café (February, 2011)
57. Go to Arrington Vineyards (October, 2010)
58. Eat at Martin’s BBQ (July 2012)
59. Find Love Circle
60. Go to the Farmer’s Market (Hendersonville, August, 2012)
61. Take the Yazoo Brewery tour
62. Eat at Jack’s BBQ (March, 2012)
63. See a show at the Bluebird Café
64. Take a ride on the General Jackson
Because I’m a giver….
65. Grant 5 more wishes (Peyton, May 2010; Oscar, August 2010; Ethan, September 2010; Darian October 2010; Grace, January 2011)
66. Donate blood (July 2011)
67. Perform a random act of kindness (July 2012)
68. Go on a Missions trip to another country (Africa, June 2012)
69. Complete 5 races for charity (1. Nashville Women's Half, Mercy Ministries; 2. Disney's Wine & Dine Half Marathon, LLS; 3. Susan G. Komen 5K; 4. Memphis Half Marathon, St. Jude Children's Hospital; 5. Ragnar Relay Chicago, Back on My Feet; 6. National Lottery Dublin Marathon, Chernobyl Children's Fund; 7. Strip at Night, RNR Vegas, Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America)
70. Cut my hair off and donate it (November 2010)
71. Chair an event for charity (Suckin' the Life Outta Cancer, TNT/LLS, July 2011)
72. Donate $5 for every task not completed
73. Buy a stranger’s coffee (February, 2012)
74. Help at the Nashville Rescue Mission
75. Give a 100% tip (May 2010)
76. Give money to a street musician
Because I love new places….
77. Visit New York City
78. See Boston in the fall
79. Take a random, spur of the moment road trip (Atlanta, February 2012)
80. Get my passport (May 2011)
81. Go on a cruise
82. See Hoover Dam (December, 2011)
83. Visit 3 new states (Louisiana, Aug 2010; Arizona, Dec 2011; Mississippi, March 2012)
84. Stay at a bed and breakfast
85. Take a girls trip (New Orleans, Aug 2010; Las Vegas, Sep 2010)
86. See a new country (Ireland, November 2011; Ethiopia & Uganda June 2012)
Because I want to be healthy….
87. Try 5 new fruits or vegetables (Grapefruit, Sep 2010; Date, Oct 2010; Sweet Potato May 2011; Broccoli September 2011; Beet Dec 2011)
88. Run a half marathon in 2:40
89. Complete a full marathon (October 2011)
90. Complete a triathlon
91. Participate in 10 new races (1. Nashville Women's Half, Sep 2010; 2. Disney's Wine & Dine Half Marathon, Oct. 2010; 3. Susan G. Komen 5K Oct. 2010; 4. Ragnar Relay Tennessee, Nov 2010; 5. St. Jude Memphis Half, Dec 2010; 6. Matt's Bday Pub Run, May 2011, Winner! 7. Ragnar Relay Chicago June 2011; 8. VA Beach Rock 'n Roll Half, Sep 2011; 9. National Lottery Dublin Marathon, Oct. 2011; 10. Strip at Night, Rock N Roll, Las Vegas, Dec 2011)
Because I love being a mom...
92. Take my kids on another vacation (November, 2012)
93. Spend a “mommy and me” day with each of my kids, separately (July 2011)
94. Let them get a pet
95. Write them letters on their birthdays (Kassidy, September, 2011; Kayden, February 2012)
Because I miss doing it….
96. Buy some sort of piano and start playing again
97. Cross-stitch
98. Complete scrapbooks for the kids
99. Go hunting
Because life is short….
100. Finish this list
101. Make another one
Because I should….
1. Take a yoga class
2. Send a hand written just because card to someone (October 2011)
3. Influence someone else to write a Day Zero list (T, July 2010)
4. Surprise my parents with a visit (August 2011)
5. Try 10 new foods (kalamata olives, June 2010; chargrilled oysters August 2010; smoked salmon, smoked trout, couscous, grapefruit, September 2010; fig, goat cheese, date, brussel sprouts, October 2010)
6. See my roommate from college, Hillary
7. Go back to school for my undergrad (February 2011 - ongoing...)
8. Get a library card (August 2011)
Because I can…….
9. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
10. Answer the 50 questions that "free your mind" (Jan 2012)
11. Host a dinner party
12. Go put flowers on Janet’s grave
13. See another Cirque du Soleil performance ("O" Las Vegas, September 2010; "Alegria" Nashville, June 2011)
14. See 5 concerts (CMA Music Fest 2010; Carrie Underwood, Oct 2010; TSO, Dec 2010; NKOTBSB, June 2011; Britney Spears, July 2011)
15. Read 10 new books recommended to me by other people (1. The Noticer, Andy Andrews, July 2010, MC; 2. Gazelles, Baby Steps, & 37 Other Things Dave Ramsey Taught Me, July 2011, JM; 3. The Shack, August 2011, MC; 4. Two Kisses for Maddy, August 2011, CC; 5. The Help, Oct 2011, KC; 6. Heaven is For Real, Jan. 2012, JD; 7. Why Men Marry Bitches, Jan. 2012, MB; 8. The Secret Meeting Place, Jan. 2012, MC; 9. The Go Giver, May 2012, MC, 10. 50 Shades of Grey, June 2012, MD)
16. Take a swing dance class
17. Have a good ‘ol fashioned slumber party (September 2011)
18. Buy something from Etsy (Jan 2012)
19. Learn to play Pachelbel’s Canon in D in its entirety
20. Spend an entire day baking nothing but sweets... and then take them to the office.
21. Host a board game night
22. Attend the midnight premiere of a movie
23. Learn how to make an omelet
24. Buy flowers for myself
25. Make peanut butter fudge
Because I’m a hopeless romantic….
26. Kiss in the rain
27. Have a candlelight dinner
28. Fall in love
29. Spend an afternoon at the park reading to someone special
30. See the sunrise and sunset together
31. Take a midnight stroll on the beach
Because I’ve never…..
32. Go skydiving (Waverly, TN April 2012)
33. Go white water rafting (Ocoee River, August 2011)
34. Go scuba diving
35. Play laser tag (January, 2012)
36. Ride in a hot air balloon
37. Sing karaoke
38. Go ice skating (December, 2012)
39. Go snow skiing
40. Go to a drive in movie
41. See a Broadway show
42. Get a facial (November, 2011)
43. Go to a haunted house
44. Shoot a hand gun (January, 2012)
45. Go paintballing (March 2012)
46. Go deep sea fishing
47. See a professional baseball game
48. See a TN Vols football game at Neyland Stadium (TN vs. Buffalo, October 2011)
49. See a ballet
Because Dave Ramsey would be proud……
50. Pay off all debt
51. Give $500+ to a charity I am passionate about (Team in Training, 2011)
52. Start a 401k (January, 2012)
53. Try the envelope system
54. Save $20 for every task I complete
Because Nashville is a great city….
55. Try 5 Nashville based restaurants (1. Taco Mamacita, Nov. 2010; 2. Nero's Grill, Jan. 2011, 3. Loveless Cafe, Feb. 2011; 4. Fish & Co., July 2011; 5. Mack & Kate's, Aug. 2011; Mafiaoza's, Dec 2011)
56. Eat @ Loveless Café (February, 2011)
57. Go to Arrington Vineyards (October, 2010)
58. Eat at Martin’s BBQ (July 2012)
59. Find Love Circle
60. Go to the Farmer’s Market (Hendersonville, August, 2012)
61. Take the Yazoo Brewery tour
62. Eat at Jack’s BBQ (March, 2012)
63. See a show at the Bluebird Café
64. Take a ride on the General Jackson
Because I’m a giver….
65. Grant 5 more wishes (Peyton, May 2010; Oscar, August 2010; Ethan, September 2010; Darian October 2010; Grace, January 2011)
66. Donate blood (July 2011)
67. Perform a random act of kindness (July 2012)
68. Go on a Missions trip to another country (Africa, June 2012)
69. Complete 5 races for charity (1. Nashville Women's Half, Mercy Ministries; 2. Disney's Wine & Dine Half Marathon, LLS; 3. Susan G. Komen 5K; 4. Memphis Half Marathon, St. Jude Children's Hospital; 5. Ragnar Relay Chicago, Back on My Feet; 6. National Lottery Dublin Marathon, Chernobyl Children's Fund; 7. Strip at Night, RNR Vegas, Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America)
70. Cut my hair off and donate it (November 2010)
71. Chair an event for charity (Suckin' the Life Outta Cancer, TNT/LLS, July 2011)
72. Donate $5 for every task not completed
73. Buy a stranger’s coffee (February, 2012)
74. Help at the Nashville Rescue Mission
75. Give a 100% tip (May 2010)
76. Give money to a street musician
Because I love new places….
77. Visit New York City
78. See Boston in the fall
79. Take a random, spur of the moment road trip (Atlanta, February 2012)
80. Get my passport (May 2011)
81. Go on a cruise
82. See Hoover Dam (December, 2011)
83. Visit 3 new states (Louisiana, Aug 2010; Arizona, Dec 2011; Mississippi, March 2012)
84. Stay at a bed and breakfast
85. Take a girls trip (New Orleans, Aug 2010; Las Vegas, Sep 2010)
86. See a new country (Ireland, November 2011; Ethiopia & Uganda June 2012)
Because I want to be healthy….
87. Try 5 new fruits or vegetables (Grapefruit, Sep 2010; Date, Oct 2010; Sweet Potato May 2011; Broccoli September 2011; Beet Dec 2011)
88. Run a half marathon in 2:40
89. Complete a full marathon (October 2011)
90. Complete a triathlon
91. Participate in 10 new races (1. Nashville Women's Half, Sep 2010; 2. Disney's Wine & Dine Half Marathon, Oct. 2010; 3. Susan G. Komen 5K Oct. 2010; 4. Ragnar Relay Tennessee, Nov 2010; 5. St. Jude Memphis Half, Dec 2010; 6. Matt's Bday Pub Run, May 2011, Winner! 7. Ragnar Relay Chicago June 2011; 8. VA Beach Rock 'n Roll Half, Sep 2011; 9. National Lottery Dublin Marathon, Oct. 2011; 10. Strip at Night, Rock N Roll, Las Vegas, Dec 2011)
Because I love being a mom...
92. Take my kids on another vacation (November, 2012)
93. Spend a “mommy and me” day with each of my kids, separately (July 2011)
94. Let them get a pet
95. Write them letters on their birthdays (Kassidy, September, 2011; Kayden, February 2012)
Because I miss doing it….
96. Buy some sort of piano and start playing again
97. Cross-stitch
98. Complete scrapbooks for the kids
99. Go hunting
Because life is short….
100. Finish this list
101. Make another one
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